


it's a single vowel in this metallic silence

by marcasite



Series: take it easy on my heart [6]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Kissing, Lack of Communication, Mutual Pining, Post-Battle of Scarif, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-03-29 13:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19021366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcasite/pseuds/marcasite
Summary: She wants to understand him but thinks that she might never will. She knows that in the year since Scarif, he has remained an enigma, a puzzle that she cannot solve. He is friendly yet distant; cold but exudes warmth in moments when he believes no one is looking.But she is always looking.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For carr-crashh-heartss who asked for: from the kiss prompt list, #21? (on a place of insecurity)  
> And it was not until after I wrote this that I realized the prompt was ON a place of insecurity and not FROM a place of insecurity so...welp....my bad! Hope angsty is okay? :D

She wants to understand him but thinks that she might never will. She knows that in the year since Scarif, he has remained an enigma, a puzzle that she cannot solve. He is friendly yet distant; cold but exudes warmth in moments when he believes no one is looking.  


But she is always looking.  


She had not known what to expect after Scarif but had decided to stay once she understood that this could be a home, that she could fight for something she believed in. She has Bodhi, and Baze, and Chirrut and she tells herself that this is enough, that they are part of this home that she is building for herself. But she knows the piece that’s missing is Cassian and wants him to be a part of this home she’s creating. She doesn’t know how to draw him closer, how to bring him completely into their fold. He holds himself back; sliding in and out of their lives the way he moves through shadows. Their conversations are about nothing and everything and it frustrates her to see him hold back.  
So, the afternoon he approached her the first time and asked her to have drinks that evening in the cantina took her completely by surprise and she hesitated, so unsure of his sincerity; insecure of his motives.  
Turns out she had a reason to not believe in him.

Days later, she had already packing her gear for the evening, when he approached her again. Cassian had startled her; she had assumed she was alone in the training room and she silently berated herself for letting her guard slip even that much (when did she start to feel so safe). His voice had been low, and she recognized the dangerous timbre layered beneath his words as he asked her to have a drink again. Maybe it was this dark, vulnerable quality that prompted her to say yes. The only thing she did know was that he was not going to ask her again if she had declined. She wasn’t ready for this, whatever it was, to be over or even not start.

Drinks at the cantina were never a private affair but she agreed to meet him there and luckily for them there was only a handful of people roaming about. She had rolled her eyes at Solo holding court with a slew of various characters but had managed to make her way to Cassian’s side with little fanfare. Hoping for some clarity on why he asked her to meet him, she was treated instead to silence and a Cassian that stared with earnest into his glass of Corellian whiskey. She had tried to make small talk and almost, almost, wished for biting sarcasm because at least she could volley with him. Anything was better than a brooding Cassian.

Shrugging, she finished her drink and decided to go sit with Han (at least he would be entertaining). Sliding out of her seat she had commented wryly to Cassian, “Good time. Thanks for….the drink.” He made no move to stop her, only watched her quietly while she walked away.  
Walking over to Han, she sighed inwardly, ready to write off this whatever it was and move on, this simply wasn't going to work, and she had accepted that a while ago. He wouldn’t talk and that drover her crazy. She just simply did not know what he wanted from her.  


It was after she left the cantina and made her way back to her quarters, that he had managed to surprise her. He had joined their group after a few minutes, listening quietly to Han’s stories and Jyn had been pleased that he had worked through whatever had been bothering him. He offered to walk her back to her quarters and she had teased him about being able to walk herself home. 

He insisted.  


She had turned to thank him for the company when his hand shot out and stroked the side of her face. He folded her hand in his, and she watched him curiously. Before she understood his intention, he leaned forward and placed his mouth over hers, slanting to open her lips. She shivered as his tongue met hers, sliding over it, exploring her mouth. He bit lightly on the bottom lip, licked it, and then licked into her mouth. She couldn’t open her eyes, she couldn’t move. All she could do was open her mouth helplessly to his as his lips and tongue gave her honeyed pleasure. She heard a soft noise and had realized, dimly, that she was moaning deep in her throat. His tongue swirled deep and withdrew. His mouth lifted, settled, and then lifted again. He pulled back and gazed at her. Her eyelids felt heavy; it had taken great effort to open them. She stared at him, numbly.

“May I come in?” his voice came out low, barely a whisper.

He had been so withdrawn all evening and this kiss had hinted at something darker, deeper than he could put to words and she hesitated again; still insecure about what he was not saying. He noticed the hesitation and started to pull back, but she moved quickly and kissed him gently, “Yes,” she had breathed. 

Cassian followed her in and suddenly the space between them seemed light years apart. Something was affecting him but when he suddenly reached up and touched her, all thoughts flew out her mind and everything narrowed in scope until it was simply her and him. He whispered her name and when he entered her he had whispered his need for her. At that moment, she understood. He didn’t want to need her so much, didn’t want anyone else to have her.

 

But now…

“What are you thinking about?”

She turns her head to study his profile. “About afterwards,” she says simply.

He freezes, his hands still encased around her hair. Slowly he lowers his hand, resting it on his stomach as he stares at the ceiling. He closes his eyes, shutting her out.

“Jyn,” he murmurs. “Don’t.”

“I can’t help it.”

He turns to catch her in his arms and kisses her fiercely, wildly. His lips crush hers, bruising her in a kiss of possession, not arousal.

His arms wrap so tight she can hardly breathe, but she doesn’t care because she is holding him just as tightly, her hands running madly over the muscles of his shoulders, over his neck, through his hair. He pulls back, and she follows, unwilling to let the kiss end.

“After-,” she waves her hand at his face. “After this, I will miss you.”

And she wonders how she will manage when he leaves.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He understands his role in this life; knows that it is only through determination, ruthlessness, and a capacity to bury his demons that he has made it this far. Life expectancy for those in his line of work is minimal at best and he believes the only reason he has made it this far is his lack of connections. Connections to anyone and anything that may mean something to him, may mean something more to him than the cause.
> 
> But the moment he lays eyes on her, he knew he was in trouble. He feigned indifference with a practiced ease but nothing that happened in the subsequent days truly surprised him. Since Eadu, since he chose to disobey orders for reasons he was still unlocking, he hasn’t been able to make sense of what was changing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For oh-nostalgiaa who asked for "a kiss in joy"  
> I felt like this could be the hope and upside to the previous chapter from Cassian's POV I also needed to end this on a happy note. Hope I did the prompt justice.

He understands his role in this life; knows that it is only through determination, ruthlessness, and a capacity to bury his demons that he has made it this far. Life expectancy for those in his line of work is minimal at best and he believes the only reason he has made it this far is his lack of connections. Connections to anyone and anything that may mean something to him, may mean something more to him than the cause.

But the moment he lays eyes on her, he knew he was in trouble. He feigned indifference with a practiced ease but nothing that happened in the subsequent days truly surprised him. Since Eadu, since he chose to disobey orders for _reasons he was still unlocking_ , he hasn’t been able to make sense of what was changing. 

After Scarif, the fact that she had stayed surprised him. He had seen the need burn in her eyes, he had wanted to help her but thought that if they made it through that day, he would probably never see again. 

But she had stayed and even more profound was the connections being extended to him by some of the survivors of that day. 

Their casual friendliness is at odds with everything he thinks he understands. The assumption that he would slot into their lives is new and he feels himself profoundly affected by the gentle offer of connection. He doesn’t want these connections and yet, he craves it. So, he compromises, joining them from time to time when he is on base, when the need to surround himself with quiet companionship is too strong to ignore. 

But he finds himself always looking towards her. He believes that she doesn’t quite understand the magnetism that she carries within herself. The one that drew Chirrut to her on Jedha, the one that made skeptical men follow her to their deaths, the one that keeps bringing him back into her orbit. As dark as he is, he is attracted to the light she has and he keeps bringing himself closer, so afraid of being singed.

But she is a siren’s call to him and he is tired of simply watching her and he approaches her, one afternoon, to see if she would get drinks with him. The startled look on her face, the wariness in her eyes makes him back down and he walks away before her hesitation could turn into a lie. 

He is surprised when she says yes, the second time he asks her but can’t bring himself to tell her just how happy he is to spend time with her. He’s unsure and sullen, hating the way she continues to glance at Solo telling some exaggerated version of whatever mishap occurred that day. He knows he’s to blame for the awkwardness that settles between them and doesn’t stop her when she slides away.

He shouldn’t be this needy, trained to not want or need anything. But being around her made him want so much; want her friendship, her warmth, her light. Was it love? He doesn’t know but he thinks maybe it is. Maybe he could love her. He doesn’t want to need her but for so long he’s refused to acknowledge his loneliness, the desire for any connection. Connections were for other people, even before Scarif, he had thought of his life as utterly apart from others carefully maintaining his distance. 

But now there is Jyn.

She’s standing before him, open and kind, and her light is so bright, and he wants to drown in her. 

He does; she pulls him under and he is swept away in a tide of love, lust, trust, and hope. 

He doesn’t know what to do, when she voices her fear of them, of what he could do to her. It hurts him to see how brave she is, how vulnerable she makes herself to him. She is preparing herself for the end and it hurts. He isn’t as brave as she is, would rather pull away and protect himself, but he can’t bring himself to leave her orbit entirely.

He is always polite and distant; he recognizes the flare of pain in her eyes the first morning when she understood that he was not going to acknowledge what had happened. He hides behind his training; dispassionate and remote and it burns him from the inside out. This goes on for weeks, weeks of pretending he doesn’t care for her by light and slipping into her arms in the dark. He feels like she is waiting for something and he mourns the loss before it comes.

It’s not until he goes to her quarters one night and finds her gone, room pristine and empty that he discovers that she has left on an extended mission with the Pathfinders. The hollowness in his chest is unexplained. She did not have to tell him that she was leaving, he had made it clear that they weren’t really anything at all.

But he still feels the ache of her absence more than he thinks he should and because needing her this much scares him just a little. 

In the two months she is gone, he tries. He opens himself to Bodhi’s kindness, spars with Chirrut and when he wins, he knows it’s only because Chirrut had let him. He sits with Baze and quietly tinkers with the droid parts he has gathered.

He finds that he misses Jyn; misses the way her eyes would track him, misses the quiet way she would encourage Bodhi, misses the sarcasm that she would bounce against Solo. So, it’s with trepidation and excitement that he finds himself in her quarters before she arrives back on base. The sigh she gives when she sees him sitting on her bed rakes over him.

“Should have known you would be here and not out there.” She throws her bag onto the floor and moves to stand in front of him. She runs her hand over her face before looking back at him, “I can’t do this tonight, Cassian. I’m-I’m just so tired.”

He nods quietly, closing his eyes before heaving a sigh and makes to stand up. 

He opens his eyes at the feel of Jyn’s hand against his cheek. Her gaze is soft. He covers her hand with his, then turns her hand around to lace his fingers through hers. He brings the back of her hand to his lips. She whispers, “Why would you rather be so alone?”

He looks at her, coming to a decision, “It’s easier, you can’t miss what you don’t know.”

“I can’t promise much of anything, Cassian, but I can promise you that I am here, with you. You mean more to me…I care about you.”

“Why, why do you care so much?”

“Because you kept coming back for me, because you believe in me and I have never had anyone believe in me the way you do. Because you trust me, despite everything between us, you trust me.”

He can almost feel the intensity of Jyn’s gaze. Her eyes move slowly, giving off glittering shards of light with each movement, looking deeply into his. Her gaze roams over every inch of face, as if to measure his resolution. Cassian was used to hiding his feelings. It was harder with Jyn. Before her, he’d have denied having any feelings at all. So now he shows her the smooth, hard façade of his resolve. She mustn’t have any illusions. They could be fatal to her and to his sanity.

“Jyn,” he says finally, harshly, “This isn’t a perfect world and I haven’t lived a perfect life. You think you can heal me, change me by the simple power of your love and hope but that is just another dream. I will hurt you, as hard as I try not to.”

She lets a small laugh out, “Cassian, this doesn’t have to be this hard. We both have baggage that we can't seem to unload, we both think this could be a mistake, caring so much for one person, but guess what? I still want to try, I still care about you and that isn’t going to change, no matter what you think. And yes, I know you will hurt me, much like you have been since that night, but I am still here. Still scared but still trying.”

He looks at her in wonder, but she’s not done, “I’m here but I need you to be here for all of this. I want to be friends, I want to be partners, I want to be lovers, but I need more than the stolen hours you give me. You welcomed me home once, Cass, let me be that home for you.”

Suddenly, he expels his breath and softens into her arms. He brings a hand back to her cheek and he can’t bring himself to tear his eyes away from hers. She holds his gaze with hers and he can read everything of her character in it, the character that attracted him to her so much.

“What will it be, Cassian. Yes or no?” Her eyes dance with so much need and hidden joy.

Strength, courage, understanding.

“Yes,” he whispers and lifts his mouth to hers, sighing at the perfect fit. She kisses him with heat and hope. He feels her joy and lets himself bask in her light. She digs her fingers into his shoulders and answers him, opening her lips under his and sliding her tongue into his mouth. He growls in the back of his throat and pulls her hard against him. He lowers his face into the crook of her neck and whispers, yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the prompts! Feel free to come say hi on tumblr anytime [leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/)!

**Author's Note:**

> And I may write a small follow up using another prompt to tie this together :) Hit me up on my tumblr anytime, [leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/)!


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